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in which Rachel has a lightbulb turn on [Mar. 31st, 2010|12:09 am]
Why not?
[Current Location |the bowl chair]
[mood |creativecreative]

hey people

so it was fun having jenny paul and matt visit :) we had a lot of fun, went to the Mutter Museum, went shopping on south street (bought some comics) and saw Hot Tube Time Machine! it was really nice to catch up with people and get some personal albany updates

i keep having nights where i have to get out of bed to go write/sketch something down in my notebook. which is good! i just sort of weirdly feel like i have more project ideas than time to do them....but theres no time limit so whatever

ahhh i have an increasingly longer list of mundane "adult" chores to do that i keep putting off....but im making a solomn vow to actually DO THEM tomorrow

i gotta...draw more or something
also i suddenly want to sell everything i make rather than give it away, which is a recent change...maybe because i think im actually making things i CAN sell?

inspiration is a funny thing
i mean, one day i knew what i wanted in theory (sellable necklaces out of fabric and beads) but none of my ideas were any good, and then the next have like TEN really cool ideas
im overflowing
and its awesome
but its making me wish i didnt have a full time job
cuz really, this job is really good for me right now, but it does mean i want to make more of an effort to make a living off of this thing, or at least a profit? or something?

i just had a thought okay...did i write about this in here yet? (ALWAYS too lazy to go check...whatever)
um so yes, the point: I stopped taking my ADD meds uhhhh.....i haven't told my dad yet, and i don't think i even mentioned it to Becky (hey beck sorry {also don't tell dad yet, i will soon}) but uh yeah, it was an experiment, but i remembered when i first got ON Strattera they gave me the whole summer to get adjusted (3 months) and nothing i saw online said if it took the same amount of time to detox but...i went off them sometime in mid-January? and its now late March which is a bit over 2 months and...I FEEL FINE
and Tony has been in on this from the start, and as far as he and i can tell, i'm acting exactly the same. im still a flake sometimes, i usually keep track of things, i don't fail at being functional, and, if anything, i've been given MORE responsibility at work, so clearly they don't think im falling apart there. yes, sometimes you have to tell me to do something twice, yes sometimes seemingly obvious things slip my mind, yes i procrastinate, yes i stare off into space. but you know what? I ALWAYS HAVE and
i HATED as a kid anytime i did any of those things and it was immediately assumed i "forgot my meds" no mom, that's just me. and im not denying that i needed meds, but i don't anymore. whats left is just my personality and if i feel like the same person on the meds as i do off, then why bother? if at some point in the future life got too complicated for me, maybe i'd go back on
but the POINT of this ramble is that it just occured to me, that maybe MAYBE the reason i'm so fucking inspired all of a sudden is that im unmedicated finally.
that might mean *MIGHT* that i...could be this artisitcally productive...ALL THE TIME?????
holy shit
no seriously thats a big deal
it's not that i never got ideas, but they were always slowly and methodically pieced together, every now and then a flash would come to me, but it was usually the result of a lot of careful thought and planning, and i still PLAN and refine and decide the WHY and HOW, but the initial ideas? the essence of what makes a great work? its coming easier than ever before, and maybe that also has a lot to do with just being happy and content and in a stable place in my life right now, but if it also has to do with having a more uninhibited mind then i am super excited!
i think to a certain extent im also having an easier time just deciding what exactly i want to make art ABOUT, what themes and emotions and materials and messages and images
that said i've still got a long way to go before i feel like i'm really getting myself across well, but then again i bet a lot of great artists NEVER feel like they've expressed themselves as well as they could, but at least i'm headed in the right direction


so really, i just need to get my rear in gear and GET SHIT DONE
the end

(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]From: funkyfairy23
2010-04-01 01:00 am (UTC)
yeah, i mean i try not to angst out too much, im doing much better, about a year ago this time i was so uptight, anything i made had to MEAN SOMETHING it wasn't enough that it was pretty or cool looking. i still like it if theres an underlying message, but it doesn't HAVE TO anymore. it's VERY liberating
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[User Picture]From: sintered_mud
2010-04-03 06:42 pm (UTC)
That's great to hear! Someday I hope to be off all of my medications. Did u talk to your doctor about going off the meds first or did u just do it? In my case, I just got to a point where things are all stable... I've been heache and migraine free for about a month now!!! Woohoo!
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[User Picture]From: funkyfairy23
2010-04-03 11:21 pm (UTC)
i just did it...i'm kind of dreading telling them cuz i know the look i'll get :P
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